Did you do your stretches, crunches and lunges in preparation for Black Friday?

I hope so, for your sake, because it’s a madhouse out there.

Those daring to venture out today need to be ready physically and psychologically. They need to be totally limbered up and ready to climb over the masses of humanity shoving their way into stores for those “amazing, spectacular” Christmas shopping bargains, preferably wearing boots with spurs to tame the pushiest bargain hunters.

Isn’t it crazy how people will go into a frenzy to get their hands on anything that smacks of a bargain, even if the price has only been dropped a couple of bucks?

I may run out early this morning to see if I can find some good buys. But before I do, I’m going to practice my elbowing and shin-kicking. Folks in my house had better beware, because I’ll be needing some dummies to practice on.

When I played high school basketball, I was a great elbow-thrower. I had to be. We played some mean girls back in those days. During one game in a backwoods country town, a member of the other team hauled off and kicked me in the behind. I had to learn to play aggressively.

That’s why I think I’ll survive out there with the shopping hordes today. Just let some hussie try to grab merchandise I’m reaching for, and she’ll get a quick elbow to the ribs or a kick in the shin and wish she was back home safe under the covers.

I’m normally a peaceful, laid-back individual, but don’t tick me off. The first person who hip-bumps me in order to get the last $3.00 coffee-maker will rue the day she got in my way.

My strategy for getting through the stores unscathed is to put my head down like a defensive lineman and make a beeline for the specific items I need, sort of like a lineman zeroing in on the quarterback for a sack.

Of course, there’s another strategy I could employ. I once saw it used by an inebriated senior citizen in a grocery store. This old lady was careening around the store, using her shopping cart like a battering ram. She wiped out several free-standing displays of canned goods, and ran over my foot twice. This is a true story!

Before long, all the other shoppers were practically running through the grocery store to get away from the tipsy old biddy. She reached the checkout lane before any of us because we’d all been so busy trying to dodge her that we had to go back and shop for what we had come in for.

Hmm ... I like it. Look out, Black Friday. Here comes granny!

T&D Region Editor Carol Barker can be reached by e-mail at cbarker@timesanddemocrat.com or by phone at 803-533-5525.

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